Mary Heart in a Martha World....

Finding a balance in the life of a woman...

The Holy Spirit woke me up with a vengence today. I was in a horrible mood. I swear the enemy had attacked my mind the entire time I was asleep. But I kept pushing forward because I know that usually out of these moments comes a great and beautiful lesson. Of course then again... it can also be painful and hard to swallow.

So are you Mary or Martha?

I do several different bible studies at one time. From day to day I wait for the Lord to lead me to which ever one I need to read and go with that. Today I picked up one that I haven't done in a while. The lesson was on Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. (Luke 10:38-42). Did you know that the enemy can use your servant's heart to keep you too busy for Jesus? Yes Ma'am he sure can. You see I'm a servant to the enth degree. I love taking care of and cooking for others. But lately that sertitude has kinda gotten in my head. Its almost become a poison. Either I'm so consumed with making everything perfect, or I'm so angry because I never get anything in return. One way or another, its not good. I have made it a huge point in my life to make sure that my family knows they are loved. I spend a great deal of energy taking care of my children. I also do whatever it might be for my friends and family. There for a while I was very blissful and I couldn't quite figure out what had changed. That is... until today.

Lately I haven't taken as much time out for the Lord as I used to. I don't have fun and play. I sit and pray and worry. I do way too much, and really accomplish nothing in the process. I get angry when I make plans and they fall through. I feel sad and frustrated when I ask for something and it doesnt get done. I go to bed feeling neglected and hurt. Its not the way to live and it was eating me alive. I looked back over the months and realized that when a few things changed in my life I started letting go of God. Makes me sad to think that the enemy is that sneaky and coniving. But he is. No I hadn't done anything morally wrong, but I had gotten so busy in my life that I neglected my spirit. That isn't something you can do and continue to live a happy and blessed life.

So how do I make time to be Mary and Martha, without the bad feelings and guilt that the enemy will try to force on me. How do I live my life as a praise to the King, and do the things I am meant to do in my day to day life? How do I use my time during the day to prepare myself for the time in the evenings I will have? Its so hard to do... or is it really?

Where is your time really spent?

God asked me this question loud and clear today. I didn't like my answer at all. I spend probably who knows how much time worrying about stuff every day. Stuff that I have given over to God. Things that I am supposed to be having faith in. So in all honesty I spend a lot of my day in sin. Because truth be told when you give your cares to the Lord and you take then back, you are doubting Him and His power over them. That is just as much a sin as anything. You are placing your own desires and need to control things over the Lord. Holy smokes. Seriously?! ugh... I'm not feeling any better at this point.

But then Jesus Steps in...

So Jesus stands there and smiles at me and says, " Jess maybe you need to take a step back. Rethink what you are doing with the time in your days. Make time to talk to ME about the things that are on your mind, and then let it go. Maybe you need to remember that I am always with you, and that I see everything that you do. Don't you realize that everything you do is for Me? You used to know that. What happened to you?" Of course I answered back, "You KNOW what happened to me." And with a laugh He touched my cheek, and said, "I know, and I'm taking care of it." That was it, I lost it. I was so ashamed that I had let everything consume me so much that I doubted the Man of my Dreams. My sweet Jesus. I'm so... ugh. You have to understand... I have a different relationship with Jesus than most. Or maybe I just have a gift of being able to see Him in my mind as He talks to me. He is my everything. I mean my everything. I would rather die than disappoint Him. And I know that wasn't the point, but it still made me sad that I had done that to Him.

Whats amazing is that everytime I stop and have a conversation with Him, things come into light. But this is hard stuff. So much of it is easier said than done. And really all it did was make me feel really guilty that I haven't spent more time with Him and doubted that He was taking care of things. I have become horribly guilty of wasting time. Precious time with my Lord. How terrible is that?! Yes my kids need clean clothes and dinner, but did I really need to spend that long being upset about the fact that the evening I planned was ruined by an unexpected dinner invitation? Why did I sit there and get upset about things when I could have opened that book on the table next to me and spent a quiet moment with God? I can't let that stuff get to me so much anymore. This life is so much about being fruitful to God's will rather than making sure we take care of the garden around us. I have to get back to being more like Mary. Not exactly an easy process, but I have to do it.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit just is there to kind of put us in a time out. To straighten our spirits, and give us the attitude adjustment we need. Thank God that He loves me regardless of what I do. I hope that you know if the Lord takes the time to straighten you out, it means that He has you on His heart, and wants the best out of you!

"If Satan can't make you bad, he will make you busy. Don't let him distract you from the Lord."

J.

Homesick Butterfly...

And there was a moment in her life where she stood at the edge of the cliff looking out over the world...

http://hailstorm13.deviantart.com/art/at-the-edge-of-the-cliff-2-175287194

She closed her eyes and saw glimpses of the most beautiful things in her life and she smiled.

falling in love

babies being born

kisses

hugs

birthdays

prayers that were answered

laughs

stolen moments

new beginnings...

Then she faced the other side of the cliff and closed her eyes once again... she saw all of the things that hurt her the most and said to them, "You made me feel the way I do in this moment."

the lies

broken promises

friendships that were fake

heartache

deceit

being lonely

afraid

desperate...

And for a moment she let the anger boil up inside her and she wanted to scream. She picked up rocks and threw them and threw them and threw them until she literally was so exhausted she crumpled up on the ground and wept. She eventually got to the point where she couldn't cry any longer. She shut the door on those memories. She stood up.  And she decided that those things weren't going to hurt her any longer.

The woman walked over to the side of the cliff where the good memories resided and wiped her face with a dirty hand. The dirt mixed with her tears and painted marks of primal beauty across her face. There was a resolve that came over her. It was as if there wasn't a thing in the world that could ever touch her again. With a final deep breath she closed her eyes and whispered, "help me Lord," and then as if nothing else mattered to her anymore she let herself fall.

And for the first time in her life...

'alis volat propriis'

(she flew with her own wings)...

Thankful Love....

"Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little, loves little." Luke 7:47

There isn't a story in the bible that I relate to more than this one. I guess it is because of her desperation, her courage, and her utter devotion to Jesus that draws me to her. She is the symbol of all of our brokenness. She is the embodiment of our lives. Yes maybe she was a "bigger sinner" than you or I might be, but what gives us the right to judge her sin? In reality, you and I are no better than her, and if we are truly honest with ourselves, we might be worse. Sin is sin is sin. In God's eyes sin is ANYTHING that separates you from Him. Your pride that won't let you forgive, sin. The lust you have after that hunky guy on the TV screen, sin. The fact that you put your earthly marriage before your love of God, sin. It doesn't matter if you are a murderer, or an everyday girl like me. YOU are a sinner and fall short of the glory of God.



I'm that girl...
Now those of us with pretty lengthy lists tend to carry with us this burden of guilt and shame that is so heavy. It feels as if the world is staring down at us and pressing with all its might. I imagine that is exactly what she felt like the moment before she was at Jesus' feet. She probably was at the rock bottom. She couldn't bare it anymore, and there was her Savior in the very room she was about to enter. Can you imagine how she felt? I bet it took everything she had not to drop that alabaster bottle she carried gently in her hands. She was no doubtingly trembling. I imagine she hadn't slept, or eaten. She was tattered, torn, and weary. I wonder what she felt when she touched Jesus for the first time? Did she instantly burst into tears like I know I would have? Or did she hold her composure at least until He acknowledged her? I can only say that I know what I would have felt. I would have been in shambles the moment I saw Him and knew who He was. I can imagine that it was that very same feeling I had when I finally surrendered to him. You know the feeling, the huge breath you take after that unbearable weight was taken from your shoulders. I can guarantee that all I would want to do was love on Him. When she started sobbing it was the release of something that had bound her to this Earth for so long. The love she showed to Jesus by washing His feet was her thankfulness. I would have loved to had the "story behind the story." Did she finally sleep through the night for the first time in years? Did food taste better? Did she walk with her head held a little higher that day? I wonder how long it was before she washed her hair after that event? It would have been very hard for me to have done that. I would have wanted to keep that scent around me forever. I guess as a woman I relish in those things. Just to know that my hair had touched the King of Heaven.... ahhh! what a glorious thought! Just to breathe in Jesus for a moment!



Through the eyes of Our Savior...
Can you imagine how Jesus must have felt when He saw her enter the room. I wonder if He thought she was beautiful? I'm sure He did. He thinks that of all of His brides. You know that we are never more beautiful to Him than when we finally surrender it all? So when you are ragged, worn down, with your hair a mess, and no make up and you finally say, "I give in! You can have me Lord," that is when you are the most gorgeous! But you know, I bet as much as she felt loved that day, He probably felt that love as well. He had to have seen it in her face. He is God in the flesh. I wish I could know if it was pleasing to Him to see her and know what she was facing to ask His forgiveness. I am curious if this was a moment during His time on this Earth that He did relish in the scent of being loved back. Because after all, that is all He wants from us. For us to love and worship Him. I can't think of a better, more holy way of worshiping the Lord than washing His feet with your own tears of love. You know, sometimes what we say in our darkest desperation is the sweetest to His ears. Our sobs are like music of a thousand Heavenly harps. Yes the praise is wonderful and mighty, but the honest, heartfelt pleas of forgiveness are so precious to Him. It validates what He did on the cross. It makes it worth it to Him. It proves to Him that it wasn't in vain, and I bet what she did for Him that day was give Him the courage to face what he knew was coming in just a few short weeks after that day.  To me... That is so beautiful.



If it is a secret... it can't be good.
I know that there is more to this story than just what she went through, but to me it doesn't matter. You see, I am that woman, and that is the lesson I need. Maybe you are the old guy in the corner that criticized Jesus for even letting her touch Him. And if you are, then maybe one day, you will realize that you are no better than her. Your sins aren't cleaner, or prettier. You can't buy them away, or hide them under the covers thinking no one knows. Your secrets are your chains. Her secrets are her freedom. Why? because she let Jesus take them from her. I know people like that. High and mighty.... Think they are all that. Their sins aren't as bad as mine, and they are better people than me. You know what.... I don't get angry at them for thinking that. I used to. But now I feel sorry for them. Because you see, I have something they don't. Freedom. I don't have to live worrying about that stuff "coming out" anymore. I admitted my wrongs. I paid my dues. I asked for forgiveness for my sins. I don't have to live like that guy does... constantly worrying when someone might find out the truth, and what will he do when that happens? Cause it might not happen on this earth, but it will happen standing in front of God, and personally, I'd rather be forgiven now, than ever hear, "That one isn't mine, " in Heaven.

The beauty in it all...
I am an artist by nature, so I find the beauty in imagery. I love to stop and picture this scene in my mind. It is one of the most beautiful things I can imagine. It is a pure image of love and devotion, of kindness, and peace. I love my Lord Jesus so! He is amazingly perfect, and wonderfully beautiful. I treasure my moments with Him. I wish I could convert what is in my mind to canvas better than I do, but in reality even if I was the most gifted artist, you still wouldn't be able to compare it to what I see inside my thoughts. I can't describe it. Maybe it is because within the pictures, and faces, is the love. I see love in colors and movements. Breaths of air, and gentleness. The kindness in His eyes, the pain in hers. Love has so many facets, so many dimensions. It is a no wonder we find it so difficult to capture in art. I truly wish I could though, because maybe more people would see the graciousness of the King of Kings if I could!

Until next time, Read through that old story.

Enjoy it, relish in it and keep it close to your heart.

You are a beautiful gift to God. Never take that for granted!

Always praying for you,

even if I don't know who you are....

Jessica

God To This Daughter...

God in my early years....

I spent my entire life in church. I grew up in the typical southern family. You ate as a family, you loved each other, and you went to church. There just really wasn't an other option. Not that it is a bad thing, I just think that you have to choose God to really accept him, but more about that later... I accepted Christ in my heart at the age of 10. I was at church camp and the Lord had been pulling at me all week long. Every time they offered the invitation during the main worship service I would want to go down there, but I just didn't feel right about it. So as a small group with my church family I raised my hand during a prayer when the person praying asked if there was anyone who wanted to invite Jesus into their heart. Later that day my pastor took me to a baseball field, and we sat in the bleachers together. He talked to me about my decision and lead me through the prayer. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. Tears streaming down my face, so hungry, so innocent, and just wanting to be a part of that family so desperately was all I could focus on. I remember opening my eyes after I prayed and looking out over the field. The grass seemed greener, my pastors face was more loving, and I felt lighter. I didn't understand any of those feelings as a child, but now I look back at them, and I just can't help but smile. God was so present, even then. Everything in my life had just dramatically changed, and I would never be the same. I couldn't wait to call my parents and tell them. They were so proud of me when they picked me up at church the next day. I remember calling my grandparents and telling them as well. I was now a part of the heavenly family, and it felt so good. What I didn't understand as a child was that I wouldn't always feel the way I did at that moment. I thought being a Christian made everything wonderful. Life would be full of happiness and blessings from that moment on. It would take me about 20 years to really understand it, but I was at the crossroads the very second I asked Jesus into my heart, and when I said yes to him I started walking down a different path. I didn't know what that path would do to me, but I think there is that euphoric period of time after being saved that you feel invincible, so that we can grow in the Lord before it gets hard, because otherwise we might change our minds. Being a Christian isn't easy. There are times that life is so hard. You will want to give up. You will cry, and you will not understand a lot of things. But I promise I wouldn't change it, not one tiny single bit of it. Jesus is so worth it all.

Later in Life...

When you are a young adult you think you have life all figured out. Boy do you realize quickly that you are so very wrong. I will say that when I was in my early 20s I wasn't the best Christian. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. I made a lot of bad decisions, and I had to face a bunch of crappy consequences that lasted well into my 30s. I pushed God aside, thought I didn't need Him, and even looked to earthly things to fill that space. I'm not proud of any of those things, but what amazes me was every time one of those things failed, there was my God waiting for me with open arms. It wasn't until last year when I started seeing Jesus as a different part of God. For years and years God was God and Jesus was His Son. There wasn't that ...relationship. I fell in love with Jesus a few years ago, and it was at that moment Jesus became my life, and that is when he TRULY saved me I think.

The man of my dreams...Jesus

Its so wonderful when you realize that everything you've ever been searching for in a man was right in front of you all along. I am not talking about finding an earthly relationship with a man. This relationship is with a God that will never fail you, never disappoint you, and love you no matter what you do or don't do. This is a God that looks at you like you are the most important woman in the world and actually believes it! He treasures you when you don't love yourself. He sits next to you when you need a friend, He listens when no one else will, and He fills a place inside your heart that was only meant for Him. This God became a MAN because He loved YOU that much. He went through the worst imaginable things for you. He died for you and would do it all over again if He had to. And as romantic and breathtaking as that is....What is even more important to me is that He now LIVES for me. He is with me all the time. He curls up with me at night when I don't want to be alone. He sits in the car with me and listens to my singing with this huge smile on His face because I'm singing to Him. He laughs at me when I'm being silly, and shares my joy when I'm happy. He holds my face in His hands when I'm scared and tells me I am safe. He strokes my hair when I'm laying in a pile on the floor sobbing because I've let this world get to me. He walks with me in the dark. He dances with me when no one else will. He cares for me in ways I don't even understand.This God is a King that prepares a place for me in heaven where I get to spend eternity with Him. He provides, guides, and protects me with the love of the most admiring man in the world. He is more loyal than a knight of the round table. He's more beautiful than anything a Hollywood producer could capture. He's more perfect than something an author could write about. His smile lights up heaven. His strength is heard in the thunder. His eyes will take your breath away. He's perfect. He's precious. He's just.... He is just EVERYTHING and so much more. I want to cry, laugh, and sing at the same time right now! (I have to stop myself sometimes because I could go on forever about Him because I'm that in love with him.) Watch this video and you will see what I'd go through for Jesus...

Her words are my prayer each day...

God....

One day a friend of mine asked me about why we have to fear God when He is supposed to be loving and understanding. I tried to explain it like this...our God is the creator of the Universe. He is holy. He is bigger than our imaginations will ever be able to think up. He deserves our praise and worship. The mere fact that He created the earth should pretty much put us in our places as humans, but for some of us that isn't enough. This God could wipe out the entire Universe with a thought. He could speak one word, and I could be dead in my tracks. He commands the storms, the beasts of the earth, and time. With that said, as much as He is powerful and mighty, this God was willing to sacrifice His most precious possession for us. He gave up His son, part of Himself, for our sins. He had to watch Him die and do nothing. He had to let him suffer. He had to face the Devil mocking him while he died. And he did it all for us. God is the father figure. The teacher, disciplinarian, and provider. He is the holy one. I have a hard time trying to explain God. Jesus is easy, because he was a man and I have something to compare him to. God is God. There isn't another one. This makes describing Him pretty hard. I fear God because I'm in awe of Him. I respect Him. I am thankful to Him. I fear his mightiness. I know that without Him I am nothing, but He loves me enough to make me something. That to me is what fearing God is.

The Holy Spirit...

This is a tough one, and I'm actually just starting a book about this subject so once I've finished reading it maybe I will have more understanding. For right now the Holy Spirit is the guiding light in my life. Its the quiet whispers that lead me to the right choices. Its the moments when I actually FEEL God's presence. Its the link between me and Jesus. When Jesus was here on Earth He could touch humans because He was part of this world. Although He was God, He was at the time God in flesh and blood. When He rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven, He was no longer physically here, but we weren't separated by sin any longer so He could be a part of our lives in a different way than before. The Holy Spirit was the part of God that could still physically touch us even though we are left here on Earth. Why... I'm not sure. But this is the part of God that we feel when we just KNOW God is with us. It is the whispers we hear. The presence that overwhelms us. Jesus uses the Holy Spirit to reach through the barrier to touch us because even though He is no longer a part of this world He craves that bond with us. Why doesn't Jesus just touch us himself? I don't know, maybe its the whole unclean sinner thing. I don't think God has limits, I just know there is a reason. Kind of like there is a reason God doesn't interfere with Free Will even though He could if He wanted. All I know is that the Holy Spirit exsists and is very real.

So I guess if I could tell you one thing out of all of this is that God is love. He is bigger than we even understand. He is with us and He wants our love in return. God doesn't need us... but He wants us. Big difference. Until next time,

Love never fails, Let God lead the way, and It will be OK, I promise...

Jessica